video, after the caverns

[fuck1ngusernam3]

 So, correct me if I'm wrong about this. 

[Hank doesn't bother with an intro, just starts right on in. The angle he's holding his wrist shows both his face and the stick he's dragging along the wall behind him, which has been in a fire at some point in the recent past and leaves a long black trail of ash over the wall as he walks.]

But when all you heroes trooped into the haunted caves under the mysterious freaky lake the communication plan was along the lines of, 'gee, if someone gets their feet ate off by some freaky bullshit I sure do hope they yell real loud so I can get there before they bleed out' right? I mean, I trust you guys know to make a post letting us all know if you need backup, but what if this- [Here the screen shakes as Hank wiggles his wrist, indicating the watch] -gets busted, or stolen, or whatever? 

I don't know, I was just thinking, next time a bunch of us, or just anyone, goes into something that might get bad there should be some kind of post stuck to the top of our feed that we could all check, just something like this-

[He stops walking, still talking as he starts to scratch a little list in ash onto the wall beside him.]

Hey, I wonder how little Suzy's doing. Oh, she checked in an hour ago, she's probably fine.

[He writes Suzy on the wall, and a checkmark next to her name.]

How about JimBob the Murder Bot? Oh, he hasn't checked in for about seven hours, I should take someone to go look for him.

[Next to JimBob the Murder Bot he doodles a little skull. Sorry Jimbo, it's hard out there for a figurative probably-dead robot. Better luck next time.]

Or maybe you guys would rather do some kinda daily role call like in school or, hell, maybe it's just more fun to lone wolf your way through all this world saving shit, what do I know. Decide amongst yourselves. I might be around, I might not. Just thought I'd throw this out there. I'm gonna go eat. 

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video

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Shit, right?

[Hank shakes his head, exasperated and actually kind of pleased about it. Hearing someone else bitch about this - someone who's been here a while, from the sound of it - is pretty vindicating, and bitching with someone who can back you up is so much more rewarding than bitching to yourself. As he goes on he starts waving his arms around, getting into it.]

That cave thing was just... I don't know, I wasn't there, but there was no communication, no plan. If you're not reporting to someone at the end and, I don't know, keeping some kind of record, you're just going in there for fun, right? That's what that whole little field day was? What the hell did you guys do the last few times you had to really get shit done, just Leeroy Jenkins your way through all the bullshit until something good happened?

[parttimes]

[He does not blame you, man, he's right there with you.]

I guess I understand what they were going for. It's the first time we've had a chance for some answers sans harassing Astoria herself since we got here. But still...

[CREEPY UNDERWATER CAVERNS...]

Especially with how people just kinda disappear, everyone needs to think about the worry they're causing other people first.

You're not wrong though. It's a miracle we haven't made things much worse yet in our world jumping, because we never have a plan going into it, trust me.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

I don't know if that makes me feel better or not. On the one hand, holy shit, you guys. Why. On the other- wow, the standards are so much lower than I thought.

I mean, Astoria must of knew what she was doing when she picked you guys, I guess, if it's worked out so far. [His fingers tap on the table next to him and he purses his lips, unhappy, trying to convince himself.] It's not my responsibility to make sure you guys don't fuck yourselves up.

[parttimes]

No, not really. But if you made a broadcast like this, you're probably meddlesome enough to try.

[It seems like the sort of thing that someone who doesn't care at all would not really do.]

Not that that's a bad thing. People could use someone to get on their case more here.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

I'm really not. Besides - 'meddlesome'? You make it sound like I'm some kind of, group of 'meddling kids and your little dog, too!' I'm not about to run around solving mysteries with my plucky sidekick, that's a totally different job description.

You though, I mean, you're the right age to be meddlesome, right? You know, you could always start getting on everyone's ass.

[parttimes]

[You can be meddlesome without scooby doo-ing it up, he thinks, but that'd be a strange hill to die on so he lets it go.]

What, because I'm a teenager I'm supposed to be the shounen protagonist making sure everyone doesn't do something stupid and has a buddy when they do? Pass.

[He says that, but he will do this anyway.]

There are people better suited to that around here anyway.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank smiles a little, raising his eyebrows. The whole 'responsibility? proactively helping people out? think I'll pass' attitude really resonates. And validates. See, Hank's not just some grumpy old asshole, he's a grumpy old asshole with a point. This refreshingly grumpy kid proves it.]

You know what we should do? We should find all the meddling kids in this place, you know there's some here. And just set em loose. There's got to be someone who wants to, you know, get involved and enrich the community and, you know, all that shit. I don't know who they are right now but, you know. They've got to be here. Those kind of people are everywhere.

[parttimes]

[They can be grumpy together!! It's fine.]

There are lot of them, you're right about that. Really, the only problem is that they're generally the ones shoving themselves face first into danger without telling anyone, like with the tunnels.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

You know what, kid? That sounds like experience talking cause, god, you're right. If we could only trick people into thinking being safer was more dangerous, they'd dive right into it.

[He sounds vaguely amused, and kind of tired. Making a career out of saving people from themselves will do that to a guy.]

[parttimes]

It's absolutely experience talking. Unfortunately. I'm pretty used to that type.

[Kou says, as if he doesn't also make a career out of diving into danger when necessary.]

I feel like so long as they're promised some sort of "answers", they're gonna do anything no matter what we say, even if it gets them all killed. I haven't figured out how to stop that from happening yet, so if you have any decent ideas, I'm all ears.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[He shrugs.]

I don’t know, is there a way to trick people into thinking they’re just taking turns being reckless shitheads? I don’t know if you guys got a strategy for this hero stuff or what but if someone does end up having to step in it won’t be you so uh, you don’t have to worry too much about that.

[Hank’s smile is a little rueful. Being the only one of maybe five adults in this whole place sure is a thing, isn’t it.]

[parttimes]

[... Hm.]

Even if you say that, it's hard not to worry. What, are you going to step in instead?

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Eh...

[Hank scrunches up his face like he's just shoved a lemon in his mouth.]

If I absolutely have to? I don't know. You that worried about me stepping in, think I'm going to do that bad a job, or do you just worry in general?

[parttimes]

Worried that you're gonna take too much on your shoulders, mostly.

[An arched eyebrow!!]

There are a lot of shounen protagonists here, and only one of you.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Oh, don't worry. Responsibility slides off these shoulders like water off a duck's back.

[He smiles crookedly, looking more amused at what he just said than pleased about it.]

So, what are you sayin, that I should assemble a team of experienced anime wranglers? I mean, I never really watched that stuff so if that's what we're dealing with I'm gonna need some kind of expert.

[parttimes]

[I can't believe this entire conversation.]

Yeah, sure. I figure if you plan for the worst, you'll be pretty well-equipped for any sort of idiot who would fling themselves head first into danger.

So many a team of anime wranglers is what this place needs. Not that I'm any expert, but I guess I've watched the normal amount.

[For a teenage boy from modern Japan, so he's probably a veritable expert on these tropes compared to most people here.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Well, that's more than me so I hereby nominate you as the pro tem head of the anime wrangling division. Your objective is to, uh- [Let's see, time to get his professional voice on.] -to identify individuals most likely to develop shounen whatever-you-said tendencies, develop effective strategies to neutralize that behavior, and put together a team capable of implementing those strategies soon enough to stop a bunch of well-meaning morons from getting themselves killed. Thanks for volunteering for that, really appreciate it.

[He grins. That was the kid volunteering, wasn't it? Sure it was.]

[parttimes]

Whoa, whoa, whoa--!

[HEY NOW.]

I never said I wanted to be any sort of head of any division.

[A frown!]

No matter how professional you make it sound!

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Oh hey, did the fancy words help? Used to be real good at that, I bet I could polish that turd a little more if that makes you wanna pick it up. But seriously, kid, life lesson for you: never have a good idea out loud. Or, hell, it's as good an idea as anything else. I sure haven't come up with a better explanation for this place.

[parttimes]

I said it didn't help.

[Sheesh!!]

And--fine, jeeze, whatever! I'll see what I can do, but I won't make any promises, okay? [Kou sucks at denying anyone anything, really, no matter how he tries to argue it.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Hey, look at that. And I didn't even really mean it.

[Yeah, Hank's grinning. Yeah, he's pretty pleased at having accidentally, jokingly convinced this kid to help him out a little. Then the grin fades. Not all the way, but enough to show he's being serious.]

But, really, kid - I mean, anything you think of that might help, you see any real warning signs from anyone, whatever, send any of that my way, but this is seriously not your job, okay? Don't worry too much about it.

[parttimes]

[Yeah... he just waves a hand at that.]

Yeah, don't worry, I won't go out of my way too much. [He will, but it's fine.]

But I mean... I guess it'd feel a bit like I'm part of the problem if I don't do something.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank's eyebrows rise as he guesses about this kid what the kid's probably guessed about him: neither of them are going to be able to keep their noses out of the dangerous shit, are they?]

Oh, so you're one of those. Sorry to tell you this kid, but giving any kind of shit about the problem's a fast track to going out of your way. I mean, unless you hunker down with me in the land of 'fuck you all' and that's kinda...

[He wobbles his hand in a 'so so' gesture.]

It's not really going as well as I'd like it to, you know. I tripped up, I made a suggestion where other people could see. Don't make my mistakes.

[parttimes]

[Niether of them is quite as good at pretending as they'd like to be, clearly.]

Ha... I don't know that it was really a mistake. Well. You might kind of be tired of all of the responses, but I figure if you cared enough to bring it up, it matters to you too.

[...]

So really, neither of us is doing a great job here.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

We're really not. You know what we need? A 'fuck it' support group where we just like, moral support each other into giving less of a shit about just, everything. That sounds like a lot less work than the uh, Anime Wrangling Division, doesn't it?