acatalepsy_rpg | video | dated at the very end of week one

[The video opens on a patch of dirt, a leg stretched out along one edge of the screen. Next to the leg a number of very small muddy spots map out a connect-the-dots picture that more creative minds - or just anyone who's ever been a bored teenager - might recognize as a sort-of accurate depiction of one particular x-rated body part. A voice, cracking and hoarse like it has to drag itself over gravel to get its words out, starts speaking immediately.]

Hey, you know what makes me-

[His coughing is harsh and wet but it's only a few seconds before it stops. Hank mutters a curse under his breath, just audible, and hacks up a loogie, spitting it so it lands just so off the end of the art in the dirt next to him. The dirt there goes wet and dark, and with this artistic rendering of a drop of splooge, his masterpiece is complete. When he leans back the camera's in a different position; in the opposite corner from the dirt the screen shows the massive head of a Saint Bernard, taking up a good part of the screen and the majority of Hank's lap.]

You know what makes me feel better when I'm feeling like shit? Bitching about it. Let's bitch, guys. Tell me how shitty you've got it right now. It's not like anyone's got anything else to do here, right? I mean, not unless someone can get this big furry boulder to unglue itself from my lap. I'd have something to do if he'd just play. Look, watch this, it's pathetic.

Hey, Sumo. Fetch.

[Anyone with motion sickness might want to look away; the screen jerks around wildly as the arm with the camera on it moves to grab a rock and hold it in the air like Hank's going to throw it. Then the screen goes still again as Hank has to lean forward to cough, his dog's big, placid face now taking up the whole view. Sumo gives a single low whuff, lifts his head, and apparently settles himself right over the camera because the screen goes dark. There's the muffled sound of Hank cursing, trying to say Sumo's name between coughs, and then nothing as Hank manages to work his other hand under Sumo's jaw and shut the recording off.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

But it does mean that whatever's out there is more valuable, whether it tastes like shit or not.

If you're only offering one per bottle, then that favor's gonna be anything I damn well please.

[Including hiding a man in his basement.]

[Aha, that's the number he wanted. Hank closes in.]

Nothing that'd get me a high court misdemeanor or up back home. And I still get veto power if I need it.

No to the first part, yes to veto. But obviously that'd mean I can still cash in the favor with a different request later.

If you can say no to it, it doesn't matter if I'm asking you for a felony or what.

[Why he'd want Hank to do his crimes is a mystery even to him, but he'll keep the option open.]

[Hank considers.]

Yeah, that's fair. You got yourself a deal. One favor a bottle, starting whenever I get around to grabbing whatever it is you made. Do you have anything to put it in, or should I grab something from the kitchen?

You'll have to get your own--I'll tell you if it's the right size.

[Thinking of what's in the kitchen, he doesn't think there's anything ludicrously large for Hank to try cheating him, but he has to be safe.]

I thought you'd be chomping at the bit. You don't wanna go get it now?

[Sorry, Hank, your first impression may have given Firo a certain... perception of your relationship to alcohol.]

What, you think I'm in that much of a hurry to taste some homemade shit? What do you take me for?

[He might be stepping into this one but he's confused, maybe a teensy bit insulted, and he wants to be sure.]

A drunk. This is the first time I've talked to you sober.

[Out of two times, so it's not like Hank has a horrible record. First impressions are just very important to Firo.]

This is literally the second time you’ve ever talked to me.

[Come on.]

I was in boxers when we met too, you think I’m some kinda shy nudist, gonna take one sip of your stuff and then just let it all swing free?

[Full-body cringe at that image and at the fact that this is even a conversation he's involved in.]

You've really got no shame, huh?

[He knows Hank's being sarcastic, but the fact he'd even speak of these things is bizarre.]

Oh yeah, I didn't mention, that was uh, a statement of intent. Ladies and gentlegangsters of stupid dream planet, I do hereby declare it to be my very deepest wish to spend every minute drunk out of my mind on homemade fruit juice so I can parade my fat, naked ass up and down your stupid little-

[Maybe Hank's body objects as hard as Firo was because it stops him about there. He leans forward, coughing, Sumo raising his head to look at Hank as Hank's hand automatically tightens in his fur.]

Didn't I already tell you to cool it?

[Gentlegangster speak for "are you okay?"]

[Hank must not speak gentlegangster that well. He waits out a few follow-up coughs, sneering at the screen as he gets his breath back.]

No, actually. If you want me to cool it you gotta tell me to cool it, trying to moral panic me into hav- [He gives one last cough, swallows, and grimaces.] Ugh. Into having some shame isn't really gonna do it.

I was talking about the last time in this conversation you almost killed yourself coughing. How dumb do you have to be to do that twice? You're just like that idiot at the FBI.

[To be fair to Hank, he's actually sick. Victor just has really intense rants.]

Oh, come on.

[The protest is instinctive, off their little ‘fuck the fbi’ bonding moment that he kind of vaguely remembers. Then he realizes he doesn’t exactly know what he’s being compared to.]

You know I’ve got no idea who ‘that idiot’ is, right? If you’ve got to explain your insults, you could probably be doing a better job.

I thought "idiot" and "fed" would be enough context for you.

[Fair point, though, Hank. Firo waves his hand around dismissively.]

Just some asshole who doesn't know when to shut his mouth. He got all upset and talked himself into a coughing fit twice in a row, wasn't even sick to begin with. Is that something they teach you law enforcement guys?

[Hey, Firo, remember that time a few minutes ago in this conversation when you got upset and talked yourself into a coughing fit? No?]

[He starts a little laugh and then stops himself, putting a hand over his mouth and clearing his throat.]

Don’t make me do it a third time. No, they don’t, unless you think threatening to go streaking is an official negotiating tactic. Which, hey, I don’t know what your fed friend was getting all worked up over, maybe it might be.

[Firo's definitely not pouting right now.]

I was making a joke.

[And now that streaking's come up again, abort abort.]

When do you think you'll wanna pick it up?

What? [Come on, don't make Hank's brain switch gears all a sudden like this.] Oh. Uh, as soon as I feel like moving, I guess. So. Could be a while. How do I even find you, anyway?

[Back home, there's no way Firo'd tell someone how to find his apartment for business. But everyone lives in close quarters here anyway, so there's no point in being cagey about it.]

Remember that building we went to the time we met? It's in there, fourth door on the right.

Uh. [Does he? He shrugs.] I'll find it. You know, whenever.

All right. I'll be seeing you.

[Firo nods, satisfied enough with that answer. Besides, Hank can use that little watch thing to talk to him if he can't find it.

With a wave, Firo ends the feed.]

video | dated at the very end of week one

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