video | dated at the very end of week one

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[The video opens on a patch of dirt, a leg stretched out along one edge of the screen. Next to the leg a number of very small muddy spots map out a connect-the-dots picture that more creative minds - or just anyone who's ever been a bored teenager - might recognize as a sort-of accurate depiction of one particular x-rated body part. A voice, cracking and hoarse like it has to drag itself over gravel to get its words out, starts speaking immediately.]

Hey, you know what makes me-

[His coughing is harsh and wet but it's only a few seconds before it stops. Hank mutters a curse under his breath, just audible, and hacks up a loogie, spitting it so it lands just so off the end of the art in the dirt next to him. The dirt there goes wet and dark, and with this artistic rendering of a drop of splooge, his masterpiece is complete. When he leans back the camera's in a different position; in the opposite corner from the dirt the screen shows the massive head of a Saint Bernard, taking up a good part of the screen and the majority of Hank's lap.]

You know what makes me feel better when I'm feeling like shit? Bitching about it. Let's bitch, guys. Tell me how shitty you've got it right now. It's not like anyone's got anything else to do here, right? I mean, not unless someone can get this big furry boulder to unglue itself from my lap. I'd have something to do if he'd just play. Look, watch this, it's pathetic.

Hey, Sumo. Fetch. 

[Anyone with motion sickness might want to look away; the screen jerks around wildly as the arm with the camera on it moves to grab a rock and hold it in the air like Hank's going to throw it. Then the screen goes still again as Hank has to lean forward to cough, his dog's big, placid face now taking up the whole view. Sumo gives a single low whuff, lifts his head, and apparently settles himself right over the camera because the screen goes dark. There's the muffled sound of Hank cursing, trying to say Sumo's name between coughs, and then nothing as Hank manages to work his other hand under Sumo's jaw and shut the recording off.]

Comments

[foundafamily]

What've you got? Did you come here with anything?

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank raises his eyebrows.]

You met me when I got here, man. You saw what I came here with. I came here with my boxers, my dog, and my hangover. The first two aren't for sale, and it kinda feels like we're all feeling the last one. And you said you're not an animal guy, so I can't even bribe you with Sumo's company.

[He gives a 'what can you do' sort of grimace, shrugging.]

I don't know, is there anything you want done? Within reason?

[foundafamily]

Point.

[Hank was pretty much letting it all hang out when he first showed up.]

What're your skills?

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank huffs, incredulous.]

Kid - Firo - I haven't done a job interview in about three decades, I'm not about to break that streak now. You tell me what you want, and we'll talk from there. Okay?

[foundafamily]

One question's a job interview?

[He hasn't done one ever, so he genuinely has no clue.]

I don't have anything I need now, so... you'll owe me a favor for when I do. Sound good?

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Long as you let me say no without goin all gangster on me, yeah. That sounds good. How's the exchange rate on those favors? Is your shitty jar booze worth one favor per bottle?

[foundafamily]

Hold on. Are you just gonna say no to anything I'd ask you to do?

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[The thought makes him laugh - and then cough, but he's maybe getting used to that, and is still grinning a little once it stops.]

No, I'm good for it. I just don't know you well enough to promise anything, that's all. And you don't know me well enough to trust my word. Maybe what you and me need is some good old fashioned trust exercises.

[foundafamily]

Trust exercises? [He doesn't know what those are, and from his tone he's not interested in learning.] All right, fair enough. You know, I wouldn't ask you to kill somebody or anything.

[Just in case he was worried about that.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Well I wasn't even thinking that but thanks for reassuring me.

[He'll just take a second here, looking vaguely amused and a little less vaguely creeped out, then raises his eyebrows and pulls a doubtful face.]

I really doubt you make good enough stuff to kill for, anyway.

[foundafamily]

[SIGH. It is true, though; even Firo has to admit that his first batch wasn't amazing.]

Do you wanna try some or not? We can go and get it now--one favor a glass.

[High? Of course. He expects some negotiation.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Bullshit one per glass. If that stuff's what it sounds like, you'll be lucky if it's worth one for every two bottles.

[He could go taste it to see, but. Dog. And also he kind of doesn't want to move. That shouldn't be enough to fuck with his negotiating, though.]

[foundafamily]

Two for a bottle. This is the only game in town, unless you wanna be stuck sticking your pinky out with whatever Astoria decides to give us.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Being the only game in town doesn’t make a shitty drink taste any better. One per bottle is all you’re getting - unless you want something smaller, anyway. Are we talking ‘hey mow my lawn’ sized favors or are we talking ‘hey let this guy hide out in your basement for a while’?

[foundafamily]

But it does mean that whatever's out there is more valuable, whether it tastes like shit or not.

If you're only offering one per bottle, then that favor's gonna be anything I damn well please.

[Including hiding a man in his basement.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Aha, that's the number he wanted. Hank closes in.]

Nothing that'd get me a high court misdemeanor or up back home. And I still get veto power if I need it.

[foundafamily]

No to the first part, yes to veto. But obviously that'd mean I can still cash in the favor with a different request later.

If you can say no to it, it doesn't matter if I'm asking you for a felony or what.

[Why he'd want Hank to do his crimes is a mystery even to him, but he'll keep the option open.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank considers.]

Yeah, that's fair. You got yourself a deal. One favor a bottle, starting whenever I get around to grabbing whatever it is you made. Do you have anything to put it in, or should I grab something from the kitchen?

[foundafamily]

You'll have to get your own--I'll tell you if it's the right size.

[Thinking of what's in the kitchen, he doesn't think there's anything ludicrously large for Hank to try cheating him, but he has to be safe.]

I thought you'd be chomping at the bit. You don't wanna go get it now?

[Sorry, Hank, your first impression may have given Firo a certain... perception of your relationship to alcohol.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

What, you think I'm in that much of a hurry to taste some homemade shit? What do you take me for?

[He might be stepping into this one but he's confused, maybe a teensy bit insulted, and he wants to be sure.]

[foundafamily]

A drunk. This is the first time I've talked to you sober.

[Out of two times, so it's not like Hank has a horrible record. First impressions are just very important to Firo.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

This is literally the second time you’ve ever talked to me.

[Come on.]

I was in boxers when we met too, you think I’m some kinda shy nudist, gonna take one sip of your stuff and then just let it all swing free?

[foundafamily]

[Full-body cringe at that image and at the fact that this is even a conversation he's involved in.]

You've really got no shame, huh?

[He knows Hank's being sarcastic, but the fact he'd even speak of these things is bizarre.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Oh yeah, I didn't mention, that was uh, a statement of intent. Ladies and gentlegangsters of stupid dream planet, I do hereby declare it to be my very deepest wish to spend every minute drunk out of my mind on homemade fruit juice so I can parade my fat, naked ass up and down your stupid little-

[Maybe Hank's body objects as hard as Firo was because it stops him about there. He leans forward, coughing, Sumo raising his head to look at Hank as Hank's hand automatically tightens in his fur.]

[foundafamily]

Didn't I already tell you to cool it?

[Gentlegangster speak for "are you okay?"]