video | dated at the very end of week one

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[The video opens on a patch of dirt, a leg stretched out along one edge of the screen. Next to the leg a number of very small muddy spots map out a connect-the-dots picture that more creative minds - or just anyone who's ever been a bored teenager - might recognize as a sort-of accurate depiction of one particular x-rated body part. A voice, cracking and hoarse like it has to drag itself over gravel to get its words out, starts speaking immediately.]

Hey, you know what makes me-

[His coughing is harsh and wet but it's only a few seconds before it stops. Hank mutters a curse under his breath, just audible, and hacks up a loogie, spitting it so it lands just so off the end of the art in the dirt next to him. The dirt there goes wet and dark, and with this artistic rendering of a drop of splooge, his masterpiece is complete. When he leans back the camera's in a different position; in the opposite corner from the dirt the screen shows the massive head of a Saint Bernard, taking up a good part of the screen and the majority of Hank's lap.]

You know what makes me feel better when I'm feeling like shit? Bitching about it. Let's bitch, guys. Tell me how shitty you've got it right now. It's not like anyone's got anything else to do here, right? I mean, not unless someone can get this big furry boulder to unglue itself from my lap. I'd have something to do if he'd just play. Look, watch this, it's pathetic.

Hey, Sumo. Fetch. 

[Anyone with motion sickness might want to look away; the screen jerks around wildly as the arm with the camera on it moves to grab a rock and hold it in the air like Hank's going to throw it. Then the screen goes still again as Hank has to lean forward to cough, his dog's big, placid face now taking up the whole view. Sumo gives a single low whuff, lifts his head, and apparently settles himself right over the camera because the screen goes dark. There's the muffled sound of Hank cursing, trying to say Sumo's name between coughs, and then nothing as Hank manages to work his other hand under Sumo's jaw and shut the recording off.]

Comments

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank looks bothered, because he is. The tone - or lack of tone - in that 'oh' bothers him.]

Hey, if you want to write me off as some jaded old asshole, go ahead. [His tone is genuine, here, his expression earnest. He means it.] I don't know anything about uh... robot psychology, I didn't come here to fuck with your shit. People don't like thinking about it, how awful we are, because I guess uh, what's the point? We gotta live with us no matter what. But for all I know, I tell you something too bad your head'll start spinning around and explode, so, I mean.

[He shrugs.]

If we're already gone, might as well say 'good riddance', you know? But that's just one guy's opinion.

[bestaround]

My head's not going to explode.

[ It comes out like a childish huff; what's this guy taking him for? ]

I can— [ -deal with it, because it's nothing any worse than what 9S has already seen and been through, he thinks. But he stops himself short. ] ... Nevermind. Maybe I was a little surprised, but it's not a big deal.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Sure.

[Hank shifts around, angling his wrist so he can lean his head back while studying the screen.]

So, what's your deal? You don't act like an android, like some clockwork guy wound up toward just one purpose. Is that normal for you guys? Cause that's kinda not the way I thought you guys would go, once you got the run of the Earth.

[bestaround]

Huh?

[ 9S gives a puzzled tilt of his head, pausing for a brief moment before answering further. ]

Uh... What were you expecting? I don't think I act unusual for an android... Though, outside where I'm from, I've only met a few.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Well.

[He thinks about it.]

My station got androids in a year or two after they came out, so I’ve had to work around em a while. But they’ve always been, uh... flat, I guess. They’re stuck in the uncanny valley and you’re- well, still uncanny, don’t get me wrong, but in a different way. How much of your original programming did you guys keep, do you know? From when humans designed you.

[bestaround]

[ Uncanny... Thanks, Hank. ]

They were all programmed like that? Sheesh, I wouldn't ever want to end up like those guys, then. I couldn't answer your question, though—we've been around for a looong time.

[ And, as he knows, much of their history has been lost to time. ]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Yeah. Maybe they're like, the cavemen to your uh... [Hank casts around for the right term. The one that comes to mind is homo erectus but he can't say that with a straight face. That's not a scientific name, that's a dick joke.] ...your modern man? Shit, that'd be weird. Or maybe I'm putting too much thought into it. You guys just are what you are, right? You don't change. That's sort of a machine's whole thing.

[bestaround]

I'm not a machine.

[ He responds like kneejerk, nose wrinkling. There's an obvious distaste in his tone, like a nerve has been struck. ]

I'm not the same as whatever dumb, mindless robot you might be thinking of.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Uh.

Is this a cultural thing? Some kinda taboo? Cause, uh... That's kinda what android means. Unless you're actually made of, uh. Flesh. Or some kinda organic shit.

[bestaround]

[ ... Ugh, of course he doesn't get it. No one ever does, but that's only to be expected, 9S supposes; it's not as if anyone else comes from a world similar to his.

Though, knowing this guy is already familiar with androids and still calls them a machine kind of sucks. ]

No, I'm just not... [ He trails off, then shakes his head, in that 'nevermind, it's a long story' manner. ] I'd appreciate not being called a machine.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Sure, whatever. If it's that important to you. [Hank shrugs, studying the screen curiously. Hank's not going to ask if he's that reluctant to explain, and it's not like Hank has any personal stake in it with this guy, so he doesn't feel any need to argue.] Anything else I oughta avoid?

[His voice holds no tone in particular; he's asking genuinely, even if he doesn't sound very apologetic about it.]

[bestaround]

[ The question gives him pause, because 9S hadn't expected that would give off the impression there's some list of Android Etiquette to adhere to; it's merely the one sore spot Hank had managed to unintentionally throw in his face, so he ends up shaking his head. ]

Thaaat's about it. But, uh, thanks.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank jerks his jaw up in acknowledgement.]

No problem.

[He waits a second and then makes a face, obviously awkward, pursing his lips, his eyes avoiding the screen. Is there anything to change the topic to, or should he just end the conversation? On this weird, uncomfortable note? He doesn't want to, because that'll make things awkward the next time they meet, but where do you go from accidentally using an android slur? He's still kind of wrapping his head around the fact that that's even a thing.]

[bestaround]

[ It doesn't take much to notice the awkward air brewing; 9S, in turn, feels a touch guilty for bringing it to this point, but what else was he going to do? He can't just let people keep calling him a damn machine, even if it was coming from a human. Ugh. ]

... Right. Well—anyway... Where were we?

[ Let's just steer it away from that, for now. ]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[The other guy trying to move past the whole thing helps; Hank's awkward look mostly drains away.]

I don't even remember. Robo-evolution, I think? But I kind of get the feeling there's not much to say about that outside 'it's been such a long-ass time that no one actually knows how anything happened'. No android archaeologists where you're from, huh?

[bestaround]

[ Alright, good. Moving on then. ]

Actually, there were a lot of them around—it wasn't odd to find someone with a special interest in finding old relics of the past. We'd been able to find a lot about how humans used to be that way, at least.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

That’s so weird, rob- uh, androids studying us like we studied, I don’t know, cavemen.

[He shrugs, spreading his arms.]

Well, if you ever have any questions for an extinct species, I’m around. I can tell you all about all the stupid shit we got up to.

[bestaround]

Really? You would?

[ 9S brightens up suddenly, like an eager kid. ]

—I mean, when you've gotten better, of course. You probably need to rest more first.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank raises his eyebrows, sounding a little surprised at the enthusiasm.]

Believe me, I've got all the rest I can stand; answering survey questions about life in the early-ish two thousands is at least something to do. But yeah, any time. Don't know if I can help you with the bigger picture - I kinda stopped paying attention to current events a few decades back - but yeah, why not? Even if our uh, dimensions turn out to be different, I might be able to clear some stuff up. Gaps in your archaeological whatever.

[bestaround]

Huh. I seem to run into a lot of humans who come from the 21st century... [ Peculiar! ] And yet, you're the first one I've met who has androids as something commonplace where you're from.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Oh yeah, they've been around a while. [He shrugs, grimacing and holding the comment on the tip of his tongue about how lucky all those other people are because saying shit like that right to this guy's face is starting to feel weird.] Is that what you're curious about? Don't know why I got it when all those other people didn't, but uh, the way androids transmit information or whatever, it's supposed to be some huge scientific breakthrough. It was a huge deal when that guy first invented it. Maybe something about multi-dimensional whatever means mine just got the right inventor in the right place at the right time, that kind of thing.

[bestaround]

Hm—you have a fair point. I never knew about the concept of alternate realities back on Earth, so seeing it at work is... bizarre, but pretty interesting. Even one person can make all the difference.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

I don't know, most of the 'differences' I've seen so far are, 'hey, what if magic was real!' which, uh. Not really doing much to pique my interest. Maybe I should of studied quantum physics a little more but it all still sounds like bullshit to me. Unless you've met people I haven't, but personally I haven't met one person who's like 'hey what if we lost this war instead', it's all impossible shit.

[bestaround]

I guess it's just me, then. From my perspective, everything I hear from you guys sounds—well, not impossible, but more like they're just stories, y'know? Maybe it was real once, but it's so far removed from the world I lived in.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Yeah? [He thinks about that for a second.] Then how do you take any of it seriously? Everything I hear just makes me feel like all this is one really long dream.

[Hank sounds unsettled, when he says that. It's not a great feeling, not being able to make sense of anything, and it gets less great the longer it goes on.]