video | dated at the very end of week one

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[The video opens on a patch of dirt, a leg stretched out along one edge of the screen. Next to the leg a number of very small muddy spots map out a connect-the-dots picture that more creative minds - or just anyone who's ever been a bored teenager - might recognize as a sort-of accurate depiction of one particular x-rated body part. A voice, cracking and hoarse like it has to drag itself over gravel to get its words out, starts speaking immediately.]

Hey, you know what makes me-

[His coughing is harsh and wet but it's only a few seconds before it stops. Hank mutters a curse under his breath, just audible, and hacks up a loogie, spitting it so it lands just so off the end of the art in the dirt next to him. The dirt there goes wet and dark, and with this artistic rendering of a drop of splooge, his masterpiece is complete. When he leans back the camera's in a different position; in the opposite corner from the dirt the screen shows the massive head of a Saint Bernard, taking up a good part of the screen and the majority of Hank's lap.]

You know what makes me feel better when I'm feeling like shit? Bitching about it. Let's bitch, guys. Tell me how shitty you've got it right now. It's not like anyone's got anything else to do here, right? I mean, not unless someone can get this big furry boulder to unglue itself from my lap. I'd have something to do if he'd just play. Look, watch this, it's pathetic.

Hey, Sumo. Fetch. 

[Anyone with motion sickness might want to look away; the screen jerks around wildly as the arm with the camera on it moves to grab a rock and hold it in the air like Hank's going to throw it. Then the screen goes still again as Hank has to lean forward to cough, his dog's big, placid face now taking up the whole view. Sumo gives a single low whuff, lifts his head, and apparently settles himself right over the camera because the screen goes dark. There's the muffled sound of Hank cursing, trying to say Sumo's name between coughs, and then nothing as Hank manages to work his other hand under Sumo's jaw and shut the recording off.]

Comments

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Wait.]

Did your finger just play music at me?

[He has never been more sure that this is all a dream.]

[fairysong]

...no, my magic power just played music at you.

[The finger was to make it seem be dramatic.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Oh, cause that makes so much more sense. What are you, some kinda witch too? Pilot singer-songwriter, magic power having superhero?

[It's possible no one's told him about powers yet. It is also possible that someone mentioned it when he got here, and he was too drunk and freaked to listen.]

[fairysong]

Didn't we all get magic powers when we came here? Was I lied to?

Maybe you just missed out.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

God, I wouldn't be surprised if I did. Magic fuckin powers, fuck me. Cause that's what this place needed for that last little dash of realism. What are we supposed to be, the power rangers? Go go magic karaoke?

[There are at least three different pop culture references in there, none of which make any real sense together. Which makes it the perfect metaphor for this particular setting, so that's fine.]

Hope you like the pink ranger, cause with that hair, that's the one you're gettin.

[fairysong]

...What's wrong with my hair?

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Did I say there was something wrong with it? Your hair's fine, sweetie.

[He couldn't even say if he's being sarcastic with that particular nickname. The word itself is, yeah, a little mocking, but the rest of the sentiment's honest. Hank's played hair critic once or twice, but he's got no reason to go after hers today.]

It's just really pink, so it matches the costume of the, uh... of the reference you probably didn't get. Okay, so. There's this ranger, okay? The pink ranger. She's pink. And that's the whole reference.

It's just... This place is a little much. That's all I'm saying.

[fairysong]

[Sweetie?

You know what, she's not going to call him on it. Back home, she might, but nobody actually knows her here. Plus, he's like... an old guy. Old guys do that kind of thing.] A ranger who's pink.

...all right, fine. I'll take it. [Yeah, that reference goes totally over her.] So you don't even know if you have magic powers or not?

[fuck1ngusernam3]

I'm gonna be honest with you, I hope I don't, just so I don't have to say, 'hey, these are my magic powers'. People really call them that? They don't even call them, like, 'special abilities' or some shit? Just saying it makes me feel like I'm stuck in a kid's show.

[Yeah, Hank's not done bitching. Hank has not yet begun to bitch.]

...I can't be the only one though, right? There've got to be other people who only got here with like, their boxers and their dog, and didn't even get anything to compensate for that.

[fairysong]

They're powers, and they're obviously magical. Not even nanotech or neural implants could do what I can do here. Why do you care so much about what people call them?

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Cause it's stupid. Magic's not real. None of this can be real! That doesn't... get to you, or anything, at all?

[fairysong]

So just think of it as science you don't understand yet.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Science is stupid too, haven't you seen the dumbfuck nonsense people get up to when they get too much of it?

[fairysong]

If you don't like magic and you don't like science, what do you like? You can't just go through life hating everything.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[He barely stifles a laugh in time to avoid another coughing fit, settling for clearing his throat and looking satisfied with himself, instead.]

Did you know what that would sound like when you said it, kid? Cause that sounds to me like a challenge.

[fairysong]

It isn't.

[Shrug.] I mean, you can do whatever you want. I'm not stopping you.

But you're going to have a real tough time of it if you insist on being mad about everything that happens here. Venting's one thing. Holding a grudge is another.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

You got experience with that, huh?

[He shrugs.]

Don't worry, I save my grudges for important stuff. A Hank Anderson grudge is something you got to earn, not something that just gets given to you out of the blue.

[fairysong]

I knew a boy who seemed to be grumpy and irritated about everything. And I'm sorry, but you're not nearly as pretty as he was, which was the only thing that almost made it tolerable.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[He bursts into coughing, painful laughter.]

Shit, don't go easy on me or anything. At least I don't use pretty as an excuse to be a downer, doesn't that count for something?

[fairysong]

I don't know if I'd call him a downer; more of a grouch. There's a difference.

I don't think you've given me any excuse to be a downer at all. It seems like it comes naturally!

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Exactly! It's like the difference between a blonde and a bottle blonde. And you've gotta do what comes naturally, I mean, you'd know that, with your singing and all.

i'm really enjoying these two so far LMAO

[fairysong]

Oh, I see how it is. Fish swim, birds fly, I sing, and you see everything through jade-colored glasses?

XD yeah she calls him on his shit, I like it

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Ha! [He points a finger at the screen and then shakes his hand at it, an approving gesture.] I've never heard that one before, that's a good one. I don't know how good they'd look on me, but yeah, that's me, got em strapped to my face right now. Does that make it any more bearable, or am I still out of luck?

she's very good at that. it's getting called out on her own that she's not great at

[fairysong]

Interesting fashion statement, but you're still not as pretty as he is.

I suppose you can't help doing what you're going to do, though~

seeing what happens if he ever does should be interesting then

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Yeah, nature and shit. Nature designed me to be a grump, that's why I'm not as pretty as your friend. You can't really grump it up until you look in the mirror every morning like- [He pulls an exaggeratedly disgusted face. Which actually sort of is how he looks in the mirror every morning, so. Accurate.] And you know what? Really generous of you to acknowledge that, like, despite my whole... face. That must be really hard for you.