text

[witchdaggah]

[ so like.

the text keeps appearing and reappearing. like someone's deleting their post? repeatedly. eventually one sticks, though: ]

NO ONE PANIC
The rat infestation is mine


[ that's it. that's the post. ]

Comments

text

[oculusriffs]

oh god why

[witchdaggah]

I said NO ONE PANIC! Its under control and I have an idea of where most of them are
Probably?

[oculusriffs]

this is a really fucked up way to invite people on a scavenger hunt dude
what are you even doing with a horde of rats

[witchdaggah]

You would think a lot
But mostly just trying to find the rest
I thought I would have a psychic connect to them but maybe my hair is blocking it

[oculusriffs]

youre probably right
being bald would help reblitz your chakras and reconvene with your rat club
do you need a razor or something
i know where to get one

[witchdaggah]

[ this is just stupid enough it might work???

nah i'm joking. it's just stupid and won't work. but mae is stupid enough this sounds smart! ]

Dude are you a barber
That's cool
Can you give my rats mohawks
And also me

[oculusriffs]

[what are you talking about this is a brilliant idea]

yeah sure
you gotta find your rats first though

[witchdaggah]

Shit
This was a perfect plan until I had to be productive
Any chance we can skip the rat part for tonight and just do the mohawk???
Or is there a rat with you right now

[oculusriffs]

fine
i dont really do barber freebies but theres chakras on the line here
ill overlook it this one time
where are you

[witchdaggah]

Kitchen!
Cheese
So much cheese
I have no money but I can like
Sew and make tacos
The economy will benefit from me

[oculusriffs]

what kinda tacos

[regardless of how she answers, he'll show up at the kitchen in ten minutes or so, battery-powered razor in hand. it's unclear where he got it — but the explanation's both simple and kind of silly.]

[you ready to get punk, Mae!!!!]

[witchdaggah]

Dude does it matter?
Tacos!


[ mae takes her's with extra sour cream.

this is really just me delaying that i have to tell you there's a cat in the kitchen, sitting on the counter. it stands at around five feet, five inches, and is munching on cubes of cheese. as the cat eats, it idly swings it's legs to and fro, and ... seems to be responding to messages on the watch. ]

[oculusriffs]

[.......... WELP.]

[if Dave is surprised by this at all, it doesn't necessarily show outwardly. and if he isn't surprised, it's only because there's a weird talking ghost tentacle cat from back home that sent a precedent for weird talking cats in general.]

Hey. [a greeting, and a razor brandished. he's going to give a cat a mohawk, and Rose isn't even here to see it!!!]

[witchdaggah]

What's crackin', human!

[ poor rose. she has no idea how good things are about to get. how wonderful, even. ] I found out about those.

[oculusriffs]

[oh my god.]

Nothin' yet. What makes you think I'm human, though?

[witchdaggah]

I mean. The part where you look furless? Pretty sure your hair is decorated like a turkey though.

[ which means this is the PERFECT person to do her hair. ]

[oculusriffs]

[u wot mate.]

Well, there you go then. I'm obviously a turkey-barber hybrid. Turn around.

[he's gonna shave Hella Jeff onto the back of her head.]

[witchdaggah]

[ this is maybe not someone she should trust with her hair. the kitchen is maybe not the place to do this.

ah well! mae turns and gives him full reign. work your magic, strider. ]

Barber is a profession. Not even a Dungeons and Dragons one. I guess that would be like, I don't know. A wizard? Or a rogue... I don't know! I just know it's a job! Take your glasses off and prove you're a turkey-human hybrid.

[ THAT'S THE ONLY PART SHE'S NOT REALLY SEEING, so. ]

Also, make me the handsomest girl on the block, Mr. Barber.

[oculusriffs]

[Dave barely even knows what a kitchen is normally used for; his back home was always filled with swords and puppets.]

How the hell would taking off my shades prove that? [punctuated by the sound of the razor whirring to life, that sweet and familiar Mr. Barber sound.]

[and there he goes — the kitchen absolutely wasn't the right place for this, there's fur flying pretty much everywhere.]

[witchdaggah]

[ there is FUR in the CHEESE. i repeat: fur in the cheese. it is cheesy fur now, clump fulls of black cat fur in every mouthful now. you could probably package it as artisan cheese, and say that the fur is for a boost of protein. ]

Your eyes are the only part I can't see! They tell your story, you know? Like they say: the eyes are a window into the soul. [ this is bullshit, most likely. ] Mine for example! Look at 'em. All big and creepy like. When you look at them, you're like, "wow, that's creepy." So they're Nightmare Eyes.

[ ......................... ]

Too personal?

[oculusriffs]

[that sure is a tag icon combob x2 you just did there.]

[and Dave is unfazed by the creative license they're taking with the cheese, and with the hella design he's putting on the back of Mae's head. after a few minutes of silent buzzing, which is a turn of phrase that doesn't even make sense, he moves to give her that promised killer mohawk.]

I don't think that's how the barber-barbee relationship works, dude. Like, you sit there and tell me your life story, and I dispense the sick new look and occasional misguided advice.

Also, I think one of the kids has diabetes or something? And also also, I think that makes me Dolly Parton.